Ugh. Seriously?
Right now I'm having difficulty with the people on Facebook, other than my family and close friends that I've actually spoken with this about, who say anything more than 'Congratulations!' I don't particularly want to hear that 'Kids are the best!' or 'Welcome to the Mommy Club!' I want to tell them that I never wanted to BE a part of the Mommy Club. I wanted to be a lawyer and possibly a judge but now, instead of finishing law school in 2.5 years -- best case I'll be done in four with the part time program -- worst case I won't be able to handle a new baby and pressure from law school and I won't finish at all. Best case I'll get an 'easier' masters degree -- worst case, I'll never complete any more education and will die with only a bachelor's degree. So maybe that's a little over the top. But I had made the conscious decision not to have children -- not for a long time -- until my husband could quit his job to care for them, if ever.
My mother had resigned herself to never have grandchildren, now she's beside herself. She keeps asking me, "Have you thought about..." what kind of bed, bottles, pacifiers, etc that I want the baby to have. No Mom, I have not. I will bow to your wisdom. Would you like to raise the baby for the next 3 years? Naturally, she does not.
With all these people so excited I can't help but pose the question, 'What's WRONG with me?' Everyone else is so 'excited'. Well I'm not.
I suppose that I should give myself time. I've known I was pregnant less than three weeks, I haven't even had my first doctor's appointment yet, other than the confirmation blood test.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
About Me
So. I've gotten myself into this situation.
I've never wanted children, for as long as I can remember. I was the girl who when friends have babies I freely told them, "If I WANT to hold your baby then I will ASK. Otherwise, there is no need to ask me." I've been sick of hearing about my cousin's children and births, I'm just not interested.
But here I am. I'm too old, financially stable, educated, and in too stable of a relationship to justify having an abortion or giving the child up for adoption. Maybe this stuff belongs in the 'About Me' because I certainly feel that it's relevant.
The point of this blog is to help me work through these feelings that I'm having about having a child after I've fought against having one for twenty-seven years and maybe, just maybe help to reach other people in this position.
I put it here in a somewhat anonymous forum because most of my friends and family are unlikely to understand some of the 'terrible' things that I am feeling. Here I will not apologize for them, nor feel bad about them and perhaps it will serve for me to gain greater understanding about myself.
I've never wanted children, for as long as I can remember. I was the girl who when friends have babies I freely told them, "If I WANT to hold your baby then I will ASK. Otherwise, there is no need to ask me." I've been sick of hearing about my cousin's children and births, I'm just not interested.
But here I am. I'm too old, financially stable, educated, and in too stable of a relationship to justify having an abortion or giving the child up for adoption. Maybe this stuff belongs in the 'About Me' because I certainly feel that it's relevant.
The point of this blog is to help me work through these feelings that I'm having about having a child after I've fought against having one for twenty-seven years and maybe, just maybe help to reach other people in this position.
I put it here in a somewhat anonymous forum because most of my friends and family are unlikely to understand some of the 'terrible' things that I am feeling. Here I will not apologize for them, nor feel bad about them and perhaps it will serve for me to gain greater understanding about myself.
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