Gah.

Eloquent. I know.

My back is killing me. It feels like my L5 and S1 vertebra are grinding together. Depending on the position, it's relatively comfortable when I sit, but when I stand, walk, or bend at the waist I receive sharp, agonizing pain for my efforts. I walked around the mall for a few hours today, which I think aggravated it. Since I'm not overly large yet; I doubt it has anything to do with the pregnancy.

Last night I managed a decent night's sleep, which gave me the energy and inclination to go to the mall. Everything I bought (with the exception of eye shadow) was for the purpose of making me more comfortable. New bras were the first thing I bought. A damn C cup. Many women view the enlargement of their breasts as a positive thing in relation to a pregnancy. I just feel ridiculous. I bought a body-pillow from the Select Comfort store. Previously a detractor from body-pillows, I'm having to eat my words. The sales girl tried to sell me a bed, I was thinking 'Right lady, I'm going to drop $3,000 without my fiancee here.' We'd be divorced before we ever got married. I also got some Dior toner to try and help with the oil problem on my skin. It's not that I'm having horrific breakouts (yet) but the amount of oil resting on my face, on a regular basis, was just disgusting. We'll see if it helps. Finally, I went to Target and bought some baby-formula vanilla oatmeal body wash and some baby lotion for my newly ridiculously sensitive skin.

I've been scratching like a crazy person, so today I decided to fight back. I bought all of the hypo-allergenic baby skin stuff and detergent that should be used on children's clothing. I washed all of the sheets, then bathed and moisturized using the baby stuff. So far so good. I'm guessing that some of it goes back to the oil that's on my skin, nearly constantly. I bought Unisom (the one that has the ingredient in NyQuil, not the one that is just Benadryl) it's supposed to also help with the nausea. Since I feel queasy right around the time I go to bed, this works out.

I desperately want to go lie in bed, but I'm trying to be better about my sleep hygiene, to help fight the insomnia. My plan is to lay down around eight-ish.

I worry about commas. This entry has been an exercise in tedium. I'm not overly concerned with it. I never claimed to be a prolific blogger. I do better writing formally anyway.

Attempting Respite

Finally spoke with the Ob/Gyn today. Ironically, he called me. He told me that my medications were most likely alright, but many of them were newer so the studies weren't as comprehensive as they were with some of the other older drugs, but he didn't seem too concerned. I suppose that's a good thing.

He did seem more concerned about my insomnia. "That's definitely not normal." Excellent. His suggestion was that I come off of my Cymbalta for a few days and see if that's helpful. I don't think that insomnia is a normal side-effect of Cymbalta, I think it was more of a guess based on how the medication is hypothetically supposed to work. I'm desperate enough to try it. I've always felt that Cymbalta was the extraneous medication. I forgot to ask about the migraines. That will have to wait until the sixth, I suppose.

Taking my vitamins and meds with food really seems to help as long as I eat and then immediately take the pills.

Everything is a copy of a copy...

The insomnia has been worse. At the same time, if I had to work I would be almost non-functioning. This has to get better. People keep asking me what the doctor has said. I don't know what to tell them, since I haven't seen the doctor. I'm not overly pleased with the quality of care that I'm getting. The ultrasound tech told me that the doctor's at the clinic that I'm going to don't like to see women until the heartbeat can be heard because, "It freaks pregnant women out..." I'm thinking that I'm more freaked out not having a relationship with my doctor, therefore not having anyone that I can call. I'm bitching, but what I really need to do is just call the clinic and start demanding attention.

Then again, when I saw the ultrasound tech to determine exactly how far along I was, I asked her about the medication I was taking to determine if I was a high risk pregnancy and she assured me the doctor would call me later that day or the next day at the latest. That was March 17. I still haven't heard from a doctor. I need to get off my ass and just call.

Today is my dad's birthday. Naturally the first thing that he asked me when we spoke was if I was married yet. No. I am not. The good news for him is that the end is in sight because we're going to move into base housing and to do that we have to be married. That will be one less thing for people to harass me about.

I also posted a due date countdown on my Facebook page today. It was rather... demoralizing. Based on my due date I have about 216 days to go. 216 days before I can have sushi. 216 days before I can have decent painkillers, or anti-anxiety meds, or take a hot bath guilt free, or enjoy a glass of wine, or not take vitamins, or... so many other things. I'm just grateful that I'm not a coffee drinker of a smoker. That would make all of this ever so much more unpleasant.

I dread taking my vitamins and pills every night. Just the thought of it makes me feel a little queasy. I hate this.

Pain

For the first time in a long time I'm having serious sustained pain. I seem to have aggravated the problems that I have in my lower back and last night I must have slept on my shoulders wrong because everything hurts.

I'm even more susceptible than usual to the power of suggestion, especially with food ads. The KFC ads are driving me crazy because they look completely delicious but KFC in reality sucks. Woe. Speaking of nausea I really think that my pre-natal vitamins and additional medication is what makes me feel like poo every night before bed. My only idea is to eat heavily before taking the pills. We'll see how it goes.

My bullshit tolerance is officially at zero. The uninformed masses in the wake of this health care bill are seriously pissing me off. I don't mind hearing opposition, but when you send me to reference Glenn Beck I have some SERIOUS issues. It's something that I should stop thinking about and just let go.

Radiation, Anger, and the Such.

So it occurred to me a few minutes ago as I recline on the couch, resting my computer on my belly, that the computer could be sending radiation STRAIGHT INTO MY WOMB. Hooray for (perhaps) irrational fears!

My mood has continued to be pretty even, for the most part. I have recognized that I am digging up old-ish grudges and feeling irate about them again. I've solved a few by simply writing the people off. I have one more big one with my best friend through middle school and high school that I need to decide if I'm going to be the bigger person and attempt to communicate, or if I write her off as well. I intend to spend just a few more days ruminating on that one. I suspect that it's the pregnancy hormones digging all this stuff up, but at the same time I feel like it's a good opportunity to purge my life of unnecessary heartache. I have enough issues without creating more from friends that should have passed out of my worldview years ago.

My tolerance for stupidity has reached an all time low. If it plunges much lower I may end up actually telling people off, so I'm trying to keep that reigned in to the best of my ability.

I managed to take an hour nap today, and I feel a little better because of it. The insomnia is still ruining my life. I hate hate hate the lack of drugs. I know that I lament on this in every post, but for someone whose motto has been 'Better living through chemistry.' this is an abrupt and nasty change.

I need more local and female friends. I should really get off my ass and actually take a prenatal yoga class and/or find a local pregnancy support message board. I'm just afraid with the message board that I won't be able to stand the women because they'll be all about baby. I don't want to be one of those women where this is all consuming. I have to admit, that I'm already talking about it more than I would like... and I'm not sure how to stop it. We'll see if things get better next semester.

It looks like we're going to move. It's considered a government move so we qualify for an actual moving service, which is good. The new house has a better layout for putting in a baby room. I suppose that it's good that I'm thinking of these things. My mother is chomping at the bit to know what the sex is, but she still has eight to ten weeks. I have no real preference at this point. I feel that both genders have their pros and cons. We'll see.

Tylenol = The Worst Painkiller EVER.

Tylenol doesn't do shit for me. Not for headaches, not for back pain, not for anything. It seems unfair that the crappiest painkiller on the market is the only one that's available.

I'm not sleeping. I've had insomnia for as long as I can remember, but it's NEVER been this bad. I have to wonder if my sleep became more fitful after S. and I had a gigantic argument over whether or not it was 'normal' for me to be as exhausted as I am during pregnancy or if I was using the pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy. Needless to say, there were a lot of tears with that one. This pregnancy has led me to worry about that stability of my relationship as well. Since the aforementioned fight things have seemed better, for the most part, but I don't feel like S. is worshipping me as pregnant women should be worshipped. For example, I wanted curry and the thai place is six miles away, through a bunch of stoplights. There was no curry for me. Maybe my expectations are too idealized, kind of like the perfect relationship. After all, S. is only human and in his shoes I wouldn't want to go get me curry or bananas at one in the morning either.  All the same.

I hate being pregnant. There I said it. Again. I also find newborn babies to be almost intolerably creepy. The first person to say, 'You'll feel different about your own!' gets punched in the face.

Other things that annoy me: Women who are so fat you can hardly tell that they're pregnant. Also. Idiotic people that think that if you make sloppy joe's with tofu, that's automatically 'healthy eating'.

In more normal pregnancy feeling: Last week we had the first ultrasound done to see exactly how far along I was, we saw/heard the baby's heartbeat and of course got a picture that looked like a peanut. I think that helped with making it more 'mine'. Another healthy change in my attitude that I noticed was that I have no desire to be glib about this child in my normal life. My reaction to serious things normally is to make a joke about them. I don't really feel the desire to minimize this child by doing that...

Hating Pregnancy

I had a migraine for two days. I haven't slept for more than four consecutive hours in the last week and a half.

Today, I had my first appointment at the Ob/Gyn. It was just a history by the nurse, I told her of my troubles and she told me there is nothing that can be done. Really? In this day and age of modern medicine? Tylenol is the best the can do? I researched both Benadryl and Ambien and they are both Class B drugs, meaning they should be okay. But no go from the nurse.

I hate that my first visit with the doctor isn't for another month. It makes me feel very uneasy.

I hate the way that I feel.

Exhaustion

So I vomited for the first time last night. It was pretty dreadful, but didn't have the lasting repulsion of the main ingredient that usually comes with vomiting. Charming. I know.

I'm sleeping very poorly. When I finally get to sleep, it's fitful with a lot of disturbing dreams. I'm exhausted.

Not on top of my game.

Child Advocacy

So tonight I officially became an advocate for the little tadpole that will eventually be my child. Since this was all unexpected and unplanned my fiancee is (understandably) dealing with his own issues regarding this pregnancy. We had a discussion on whether or not it was likely I would later become resentful of him or the child because this was not how we planned it.

For the first time I said (realized?), "If I didn't have a pretty good feeling that I could handle this, then I would have pulled the plug." It felt true, so maybe that's growth.

On the other hand I have become a gaseous giant, and all I have to say is it's a good thing that I'm comfortable around my fiancee. At least it doesn't smell.

Other ways that I'm feeling uncomfortable:
Super distinctive smell... I can almost pick out individual ingredients.
Super crazy tastebuds - anything more complex than shredded wheat is almost overwhelming. This is a big one because I love love love to eat and now... it's ruined. I have no idea how most things will taste before I put them in my mouth.
Nightsweats
Extra oil on my skin... I could almost use a Slip n' Slide without water.

I really wish I could be one of those women who felt it was a 'privilege' to stay at home with the kids. My life would be so much easier in so many different ways. Definitely way easier than getting a law degree, all you have to do is get knocked up a couple times, which is apparently pretty easy for me. Alas. I do not feel that way. Part time law school... here I come.

Symptoms... continued.

I can no longer enjoy:
Chicken
Seven course meals
Seven course meals with wine paring

I experience discomfort in the following ways:
Tension
Anxiety
Stress
Back pain
Metallic taste in my mouth
Teeth grinding

Maybe I just should keep a running tally.

Tonight I got a message from a friend at the beginning of her third trimester, who took fertility treatments to get pregnant, after voicing (extremely) mild 'apprehension' about being pregnant: "The first time you hear the heartbeat is the most amazing thing in the world. It's at that point that I knew I would do anything to protect him. Even though I had been trying to get pregnant part of me wasn't one hundred percent sure that this is what I wanted.... You'll be great!"

I'm trying to decide if I want to thank her or punch her in the face. I'll probably just thank her, I was raised to be polite.

Some other fun activities that I've found myself partaking in is obsessively looking at pictures of other people's children and anything to do with said children. I'm not sure what that's all about. All of this is causing me a lot of anxiety. (Not just looking at the pictures, the whole pregnancy thing) I decided to split the difference between my anti-anxiety meds and nothing with the hot bath. This was after reading some further material on the issue of hot baths. I think the horrific anxiety might be worse for the baby than the hot bath. I needed to just calm down, so I took one. Now of course thinking about it I start to feel anxious all over again, maybe a Yoga class would be a good idea.

My body is doing strange things. My weight is staying more or less constant, though my pants suddenly fit... weird. Perhaps my weight is being transferred from my ass to my stomach. My jeans are loose... like falling-down-my-hips loose. I have no idea what that's about, but not surprising, I'm worried about it.

Next Monday I have my first appointment at the Ob/Gyn... with a nurse to take my detailed history. I am anxious to establish a relationship with the doctor so that I can call there ten times a day to confirm that I'm doing everything right. I feel like I've been pregnant forever, when in reality I've only known since 14 February. I feel like this appointment was scheduled at an inappropriately late date, though my mother assures me there's not a whole lot they can do at this point. I keep thinking, 'They could have warned me about the BATHS!'

Symptoms.

The onset of irritating pregnancy symptoms set in sometime last week. Of course there is the expected nausea, though it hasn't been too bad yet. I know that I'm unusually susceptible to the power of suggestion.


I've already decided after reading the classic What to Expect When You're Expecting that I must be having twins because I'm itching more than usual. In the same vein, every day I find new scary things that I have done wrong over the past eight(?) weeks. Today it was taking hot baths. Apparently during the first twelve weeks if you take a bath that is over 102 degrees F, you're putting your child at risk for neural tube defects and also increases the risk of miscarriage. Super.


So let's list the ways this child is currently ruining my life causing me some temporary discomfort.
I can no longer:
Have a glass of wine
Eat carpaccio, sushi, or anything else uncooked.
Eat a medium rare steak
Take my anti-anxiety meds.
Take Advil, Aleve, or Acetaminophen.
Sleep.
TAKE A HOT BATH!!


Really - must you take my last avenue of respite? I suppose that I should be grateful that at least this one internal mechanism of maternal concern, though I have to wonder if even that concern is not self-serving.


Let me be honest.


I don't know if I could handle a handicapped child. I need this baby to be healthy because having this baby is about all I can take. I don't need any other surprises or things to get 'excited' about.


In other news, which I know is not the topic of this blog, but it was so upsetting it will be good to get out, my cousin's husband put this down as his Facebook status:


"The end of time is near. Look at all the worlds events. From war to natural disasters, it is coming and you better be right with the Lord."


God Almighty. Really? It took all of my restraint not to educate the man on history, science, or to just flat out make a sarcastic remark. Maybe something like, 'Amen brother, look at all the divorced, unmarried, pregnant women about! And don't forget the gays on TV!


In other news regarding crazy, churchy relatives. My Grandmother on the same side has not called to congratulate me or my mother. I don't know if she's spoken to my father. I'm sure she's horrified that I'm not married and taking my sweet time at it. True, I was engaged for almost a year and living together almost as long when this child was conceived, but a stable relationship obviously isn't a stable relationship without a MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE! What will Jesus think?!?! Expect more on this later.


I can't figure out what's wrong with this formatting.