When the baby gets here...

Since it's a girl... I'm going to dress her up in blue and then when people say, 'Oh! What a cute little boy!' I'm going to get all snarky and say, 'She's a GIRL.'

More of What I'm Sick of...

Is it weird that it irritates me when complete strangers ask me about my pregnancy?

"Oh! When are you due?!"
How about... none of your fucking business lady.

"Do you know what it is yet?!"
Actually, it's a tumor that just causes me to look pregnant. Thanks for reminding me.

Up until this point my mother has been pretty okay and mostly helpful and excited about the pregnancy... which I appreciate. But the farther along that I get and the more we talk about actual child-rearing... the more turbulence we seem to incur.

I've been doing reading of current studies - mostly on infant safety. She does not always agree.

Example?
You're not supposed to put blankets, pillows, stuffed animals -- basically anything -- in the crib with the baby. Doing so increases the risk of suffocation and SIDS. So I put swaddling blankets and blankets intended for just that purpose on my registry.
"We'll see how long that lasts, it's going to be a pain in the butt." Thanks for your support.

I told my mother of my intent to put sunscreen on the baby every time we leave the house - maybe to just make it a post cleaning ritual "Why?" Um. Because exposure to sun, especially in infants leads to a much higher likelihood of skin cancer later on?

There's been more - but I'm too weary to write about it right now. I've opened up another blog on Tumblr http://aprilannies.tumblr.com It's more 'April Uncensored' I like Tumblr because you don't even have to think if you don't want to.

Feeling

I'm sick of everyone telling me how I'm going to feel.

"The first kick is magical"
"You're going to fall in love the first time you hold her!"

Et cetera, bullshit, et cetera.

How do you know how I'm going to feel? Maybe I'm a sociopath and I won't feel anything.

Enslavement

My skin is freaking the fuck out. I am breaking out on my face, my chest, and my legs. It's pissing me off.

All my mother can talk about is this baby. For the most part this is okay because I don't have to bother other people who don't give a shit obsessing about it. I can tell we are going to dispute certain things. This should not be surprising since certain things have changed in the past thirty years or so.

The whole concept of, 'So you're having a baby!' is completely overwhelming. This goes back to the worry hobby that I was talking about last night. Even if I wasn't due during the fall semester I might have opted to go part time just to do all this damned research. But just like anything, the more you do it the easier it gets. But there's just SO MUCH to think about. It's easy to see how people become enslaved to their children. I'm still trying to avoid that.

School is a great distraction right now. I hope this remains the case in the fall semester and after the baby comes.

The pregnancy dreams have started. Very VERY vivid and usually pretty disturbing. Last night I was dreaming about roaches, the one thing that I have a near phobic fear of. Just typing the word and thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I spent all night (according to S.) twitching and brushing my skin. Everytime I woke up and tried to reset my mind, I went right back into the dream. It was awful. I've always been a vivid dreamer, but this is a whole new level of crazy. Even the sex dreams, which culminate in a full orgasm (no physical stimulation) are distressing because they usually have some dreadful horror-esque theme behind them...

What a Racket.

So I determined today that I could never ever work at Babies r' Us. I watched a guy who answered the phone and it went something like, 'So you're looking for the Fuzzy Wuzzy Itty Bitty Mobile Arm?' The things that would irritate me would be as follows:

1. The babies
2. The mothers/pregnant women
3. Their dumbass excited friends
4. The stupid product names

We spent two grand today on baby equipment. The cradle, the mattress, changing station/drawers, bedding, a changing mat, a travel system (car seat and stroller), a play-pen system, and a chair for me to sit in. Two grand?!! Really?

Baby stuff is officially stupidly expensive. I have to wonder before we had these super baby megastores... how did babies survive?

What prompted the sudden frenzy of baby buying? Well, we found out the gender, which somehow made the whole pregnancy thing much more real. We found out Thursday that it's a girl, and by Saturday, we've done all the big buying except for the paint for the room. While I might be crazy, my mother is completely insane because I told her it was a girl around 11am, by 4:30 she had spent at least $100 on little girl clothes. So I'm not worrying about clothing my baby.

I have a ton of idiotic FaceBook friends, but one in particular bugs the shit out of me. I think she's the same one who welcomed me to the mommy club. Ick, just thinking about it irritates me. But her most recent offensive remarks are just way crazier. She just had her baby less than a month ago. She was in love 'instantly!'. Finefinefine. But then she says to me... "I'm so excited for you! I'm ready to have number 2..." Gah! Really?! Gah!

Admittedly I'm feeling more excited about it. As I said, finding out the gender made it more real. I'm glad that it's a girl, while I've never been a girly-girl I've still had the experience of growing up a girl, so I feel more prepared. Though, a boy would have been nice if just to dress up in feminist t-shirts. I know. Wrong reason. I'm also excited about putting an infant in pro-choice gear.

The worry hobby has escalated to new heights. I worry about having a still-birth, especially now that the acceptance has settled and we've bought baby crap. I worry about what happens if she's autistic or slow. I worry about child-molestors and if the sunscreen that I choose will cause cancer. I worry about if she has terrible acne and can't make any friends in middle and high school. I worry that she might get involved in an abusive relationship, or drink and drive, or become a meth-head.... see? I'm really good at it. And what if I buy a car seat and then get in a crash and it kills her because I chose the wrong seat? What if I forget to take the stuffed animals out of the crib and she suffocates? What if the professional nanny we hire turns out to be a serial killer? Okay. I'm really going to stop now.

I'm sleeping better and though I haven't really had any noticeable weight gain, the weight transfer has made life uncomfortable. It's harder to stand up, roll over in bed, walk up hills... etc etc etc. The hormone relaxin has caused my knee ligaments to really loosen and cause some significant pain at times. My appetite is back, but I still have some aversion to meat. In general my cravings are getting more unhealthy. I want chocolate and cherry coke. What can I do?

Second Trimester BITCHES!

I'm 13 weeks.

Still feeling tired and though the insomnia is better, it's not gone completely. The nausea is gone, which is good. My tastebuds seem to be evening out, though I still don't particularly want/enjoy savory foods. I'm just glad that the sweet foods that I do want are primarily healthy for me. Lots of fruit, yogurt, English Muffins with jam, pancakes, cream cheese... things that I don't normally care all that much for.

My weight continues to hold steady at around 150. I told the ultrasound tech yesterday that this was the best weight loss plan ever. I weigh about the same as I did when I got pregnant, but the weight has shifted away from my legs and ass to my stomach and breasts. I'm hoping that post-baby it melts away as baby weight leaving me at a much more normal 120 or so. We'll see.

In addition to my food tastes changing, my tastes in books and television seems to have changed a little as well. I've never liked nature programs, but yesterday I spent $60 on BBC's "Planet Earth"... and I'm loving it. Same thing with books, I've never been much of a non-fiction reader, but I just seem to be devouring non-fiction books on all different sources. These are good changes as they make my reading/television watching more useful and educational but I do wonder how much of this change in tastes relates to the pregnancy, if at all.

Had my first ultrasound that looked like anything yesterday.

I almost cried when I saw the profile. I can't explain exactly what I'm feeling... it's not necessarily ownership... the only way I can put it is that it's weird that there's another person-like creature in there.

Better.

My insomnia is still fucking everything up. I'm just grateful that my summer classes all start late in the day, giving me no excuse not to go. That being said, I still wish that I was able to get a decent night's sleep... or at least be able to nap during the day. Other than that however, I'm starting to feel more normal.

I bought a balance board for the Wii. I've seen mixed reviews on exercise during pregnancy, and I definitely don't want to overdo it. That being said, since I was (kind of) a runner before the pregnancy, I think that the balance board activities should be light enough not to do any real damage, and I hope that exercise will help me sleep a little better, since it's become abundantly clear that my doctor is unwilling to do anything to help the matter.

As far as the Ob/Gyn goes, I'm still not convinced that I'm with the right practitioners. The last appointment that I went to, I wasn't seen by the doctor until a HOUR after my scheduled appointment time. Completely unacceptable. Then when I saw the doctor and complained about my insomnia and migraines with, "I'm almost completely non-functional and I don't know what to do." the response was, "You're not going to like this answer, but I don't know what to do either." Seriously? You've been an Ob for what appears to be a thousand years and you don't know what to do? I would have accepted, "There's nothing I can do." or "There aren't any safe options." but "I don't know what to do." is COMPLETELY unacceptable. These people get one more appointment, and if they continue to suck... I'm going to explore other options. Medical files can be transferred and who to deliver your baby seems like a pretty big decision, especially if (God forbid) I need a C-section. I just wish that I had a better idea of who a decent doctor would be.

S. and I should be getting married pretty soon. That ought to shut people up. Though when I told my mom that I had decided to keep my last name, she responded with, "Oh no... just don't tell your father, he doesn't need to know." Right. I definitely do not understand what that is all about.

Scalping

My scalp is dry and itchy and is driving me crazy. I know I need to stop scratching and picking at it, but it's nearly impossible. I also think that my scalp is breaking out, which is disgusting. But I suppose that this is better than my face breaking out. It's a constant itching. All over.

My hormones seem to be normalizing. I'm still exhausted and not sleeping well, but I'm hoping that in time, that will subside as well. 

I'm getting sick of everything that I say as being interpreted about my pregnancy. "My mean cat is being sweeter." "It must be because he can detect your hormones!" Right. 

My growing breasts are another source of irritation. Last week I think that I pulled a muscle in my ribs because of the ridiculous size that these have become. In general I feel that the size is ridiculous looking, but it's also another unfair irony that the first time in my life where I might be able to properly fill out a bikini, I'm swollen beyond belief in my midsection.

...and one more thing.

How is my scalp both disgustingly oily and disgustingly flaky at the same time?

Pregnancy is gross.

Again, my eloquence amazes me.

Note the time stamp.

My Newest Disorder

Fatal Familial Insomnia. Affects 1 in 30 million of the population. A genetic prion disease where you eventually die from not being able to sleep... at least that's what I feel like I have.

After receiving a lecture from my father about how I must not be practicing good sleep hygiene or following conventional wisdom (like not taking naps in the middle of the day) or else I WOULD be sleeping, I feel generally pissed off and even more frustrated about not being able to sleep. Thanks Dad. I just need to remember that he just cares about me and wants to make sure that the peanut and I are happy and healthy. The pregnancy hormones (or my otherwise general insanity) make me feel as if he's attacking me.

Got up and got out of the house today. Went into town and saw the Dean and worked out a good schedule for this summer and fall. I feel more stable about where my legal education is going and things seem brighter on that front than they have in awhile.

S. comes home tomorrow and we'll get married sometime in the next two weeks, which will finally get the crazies off my back. I won't have to start every conversation with my father hearing, 'Are you married yet?' I've planned 'the babymoon'. S. would have liked to go to Vegas to get married, but let's face it... that's a shitty place for a pregnant woman. The smoke and the noise and the alcohol... fun any other time though... so instead we'll get married in the courthouse and take an Alaskan cruise in late May. It will be our last 'real' vacation.

Those words just look ominous.

Gah.

Eloquent. I know.

My back is killing me. It feels like my L5 and S1 vertebra are grinding together. Depending on the position, it's relatively comfortable when I sit, but when I stand, walk, or bend at the waist I receive sharp, agonizing pain for my efforts. I walked around the mall for a few hours today, which I think aggravated it. Since I'm not overly large yet; I doubt it has anything to do with the pregnancy.

Last night I managed a decent night's sleep, which gave me the energy and inclination to go to the mall. Everything I bought (with the exception of eye shadow) was for the purpose of making me more comfortable. New bras were the first thing I bought. A damn C cup. Many women view the enlargement of their breasts as a positive thing in relation to a pregnancy. I just feel ridiculous. I bought a body-pillow from the Select Comfort store. Previously a detractor from body-pillows, I'm having to eat my words. The sales girl tried to sell me a bed, I was thinking 'Right lady, I'm going to drop $3,000 without my fiancee here.' We'd be divorced before we ever got married. I also got some Dior toner to try and help with the oil problem on my skin. It's not that I'm having horrific breakouts (yet) but the amount of oil resting on my face, on a regular basis, was just disgusting. We'll see if it helps. Finally, I went to Target and bought some baby-formula vanilla oatmeal body wash and some baby lotion for my newly ridiculously sensitive skin.

I've been scratching like a crazy person, so today I decided to fight back. I bought all of the hypo-allergenic baby skin stuff and detergent that should be used on children's clothing. I washed all of the sheets, then bathed and moisturized using the baby stuff. So far so good. I'm guessing that some of it goes back to the oil that's on my skin, nearly constantly. I bought Unisom (the one that has the ingredient in NyQuil, not the one that is just Benadryl) it's supposed to also help with the nausea. Since I feel queasy right around the time I go to bed, this works out.

I desperately want to go lie in bed, but I'm trying to be better about my sleep hygiene, to help fight the insomnia. My plan is to lay down around eight-ish.

I worry about commas. This entry has been an exercise in tedium. I'm not overly concerned with it. I never claimed to be a prolific blogger. I do better writing formally anyway.

Attempting Respite

Finally spoke with the Ob/Gyn today. Ironically, he called me. He told me that my medications were most likely alright, but many of them were newer so the studies weren't as comprehensive as they were with some of the other older drugs, but he didn't seem too concerned. I suppose that's a good thing.

He did seem more concerned about my insomnia. "That's definitely not normal." Excellent. His suggestion was that I come off of my Cymbalta for a few days and see if that's helpful. I don't think that insomnia is a normal side-effect of Cymbalta, I think it was more of a guess based on how the medication is hypothetically supposed to work. I'm desperate enough to try it. I've always felt that Cymbalta was the extraneous medication. I forgot to ask about the migraines. That will have to wait until the sixth, I suppose.

Taking my vitamins and meds with food really seems to help as long as I eat and then immediately take the pills.

Everything is a copy of a copy...

The insomnia has been worse. At the same time, if I had to work I would be almost non-functioning. This has to get better. People keep asking me what the doctor has said. I don't know what to tell them, since I haven't seen the doctor. I'm not overly pleased with the quality of care that I'm getting. The ultrasound tech told me that the doctor's at the clinic that I'm going to don't like to see women until the heartbeat can be heard because, "It freaks pregnant women out..." I'm thinking that I'm more freaked out not having a relationship with my doctor, therefore not having anyone that I can call. I'm bitching, but what I really need to do is just call the clinic and start demanding attention.

Then again, when I saw the ultrasound tech to determine exactly how far along I was, I asked her about the medication I was taking to determine if I was a high risk pregnancy and she assured me the doctor would call me later that day or the next day at the latest. That was March 17. I still haven't heard from a doctor. I need to get off my ass and just call.

Today is my dad's birthday. Naturally the first thing that he asked me when we spoke was if I was married yet. No. I am not. The good news for him is that the end is in sight because we're going to move into base housing and to do that we have to be married. That will be one less thing for people to harass me about.

I also posted a due date countdown on my Facebook page today. It was rather... demoralizing. Based on my due date I have about 216 days to go. 216 days before I can have sushi. 216 days before I can have decent painkillers, or anti-anxiety meds, or take a hot bath guilt free, or enjoy a glass of wine, or not take vitamins, or... so many other things. I'm just grateful that I'm not a coffee drinker of a smoker. That would make all of this ever so much more unpleasant.

I dread taking my vitamins and pills every night. Just the thought of it makes me feel a little queasy. I hate this.

Pain

For the first time in a long time I'm having serious sustained pain. I seem to have aggravated the problems that I have in my lower back and last night I must have slept on my shoulders wrong because everything hurts.

I'm even more susceptible than usual to the power of suggestion, especially with food ads. The KFC ads are driving me crazy because they look completely delicious but KFC in reality sucks. Woe. Speaking of nausea I really think that my pre-natal vitamins and additional medication is what makes me feel like poo every night before bed. My only idea is to eat heavily before taking the pills. We'll see how it goes.

My bullshit tolerance is officially at zero. The uninformed masses in the wake of this health care bill are seriously pissing me off. I don't mind hearing opposition, but when you send me to reference Glenn Beck I have some SERIOUS issues. It's something that I should stop thinking about and just let go.

Radiation, Anger, and the Such.

So it occurred to me a few minutes ago as I recline on the couch, resting my computer on my belly, that the computer could be sending radiation STRAIGHT INTO MY WOMB. Hooray for (perhaps) irrational fears!

My mood has continued to be pretty even, for the most part. I have recognized that I am digging up old-ish grudges and feeling irate about them again. I've solved a few by simply writing the people off. I have one more big one with my best friend through middle school and high school that I need to decide if I'm going to be the bigger person and attempt to communicate, or if I write her off as well. I intend to spend just a few more days ruminating on that one. I suspect that it's the pregnancy hormones digging all this stuff up, but at the same time I feel like it's a good opportunity to purge my life of unnecessary heartache. I have enough issues without creating more from friends that should have passed out of my worldview years ago.

My tolerance for stupidity has reached an all time low. If it plunges much lower I may end up actually telling people off, so I'm trying to keep that reigned in to the best of my ability.

I managed to take an hour nap today, and I feel a little better because of it. The insomnia is still ruining my life. I hate hate hate the lack of drugs. I know that I lament on this in every post, but for someone whose motto has been 'Better living through chemistry.' this is an abrupt and nasty change.

I need more local and female friends. I should really get off my ass and actually take a prenatal yoga class and/or find a local pregnancy support message board. I'm just afraid with the message board that I won't be able to stand the women because they'll be all about baby. I don't want to be one of those women where this is all consuming. I have to admit, that I'm already talking about it more than I would like... and I'm not sure how to stop it. We'll see if things get better next semester.

It looks like we're going to move. It's considered a government move so we qualify for an actual moving service, which is good. The new house has a better layout for putting in a baby room. I suppose that it's good that I'm thinking of these things. My mother is chomping at the bit to know what the sex is, but she still has eight to ten weeks. I have no real preference at this point. I feel that both genders have their pros and cons. We'll see.

Tylenol = The Worst Painkiller EVER.

Tylenol doesn't do shit for me. Not for headaches, not for back pain, not for anything. It seems unfair that the crappiest painkiller on the market is the only one that's available.

I'm not sleeping. I've had insomnia for as long as I can remember, but it's NEVER been this bad. I have to wonder if my sleep became more fitful after S. and I had a gigantic argument over whether or not it was 'normal' for me to be as exhausted as I am during pregnancy or if I was using the pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy. Needless to say, there were a lot of tears with that one. This pregnancy has led me to worry about that stability of my relationship as well. Since the aforementioned fight things have seemed better, for the most part, but I don't feel like S. is worshipping me as pregnant women should be worshipped. For example, I wanted curry and the thai place is six miles away, through a bunch of stoplights. There was no curry for me. Maybe my expectations are too idealized, kind of like the perfect relationship. After all, S. is only human and in his shoes I wouldn't want to go get me curry or bananas at one in the morning either.  All the same.

I hate being pregnant. There I said it. Again. I also find newborn babies to be almost intolerably creepy. The first person to say, 'You'll feel different about your own!' gets punched in the face.

Other things that annoy me: Women who are so fat you can hardly tell that they're pregnant. Also. Idiotic people that think that if you make sloppy joe's with tofu, that's automatically 'healthy eating'.

In more normal pregnancy feeling: Last week we had the first ultrasound done to see exactly how far along I was, we saw/heard the baby's heartbeat and of course got a picture that looked like a peanut. I think that helped with making it more 'mine'. Another healthy change in my attitude that I noticed was that I have no desire to be glib about this child in my normal life. My reaction to serious things normally is to make a joke about them. I don't really feel the desire to minimize this child by doing that...

Hating Pregnancy

I had a migraine for two days. I haven't slept for more than four consecutive hours in the last week and a half.

Today, I had my first appointment at the Ob/Gyn. It was just a history by the nurse, I told her of my troubles and she told me there is nothing that can be done. Really? In this day and age of modern medicine? Tylenol is the best the can do? I researched both Benadryl and Ambien and they are both Class B drugs, meaning they should be okay. But no go from the nurse.

I hate that my first visit with the doctor isn't for another month. It makes me feel very uneasy.

I hate the way that I feel.

Exhaustion

So I vomited for the first time last night. It was pretty dreadful, but didn't have the lasting repulsion of the main ingredient that usually comes with vomiting. Charming. I know.

I'm sleeping very poorly. When I finally get to sleep, it's fitful with a lot of disturbing dreams. I'm exhausted.

Not on top of my game.

Child Advocacy

So tonight I officially became an advocate for the little tadpole that will eventually be my child. Since this was all unexpected and unplanned my fiancee is (understandably) dealing with his own issues regarding this pregnancy. We had a discussion on whether or not it was likely I would later become resentful of him or the child because this was not how we planned it.

For the first time I said (realized?), "If I didn't have a pretty good feeling that I could handle this, then I would have pulled the plug." It felt true, so maybe that's growth.

On the other hand I have become a gaseous giant, and all I have to say is it's a good thing that I'm comfortable around my fiancee. At least it doesn't smell.

Other ways that I'm feeling uncomfortable:
Super distinctive smell... I can almost pick out individual ingredients.
Super crazy tastebuds - anything more complex than shredded wheat is almost overwhelming. This is a big one because I love love love to eat and now... it's ruined. I have no idea how most things will taste before I put them in my mouth.
Nightsweats
Extra oil on my skin... I could almost use a Slip n' Slide without water.

I really wish I could be one of those women who felt it was a 'privilege' to stay at home with the kids. My life would be so much easier in so many different ways. Definitely way easier than getting a law degree, all you have to do is get knocked up a couple times, which is apparently pretty easy for me. Alas. I do not feel that way. Part time law school... here I come.

Symptoms... continued.

I can no longer enjoy:
Chicken
Seven course meals
Seven course meals with wine paring

I experience discomfort in the following ways:
Tension
Anxiety
Stress
Back pain
Metallic taste in my mouth
Teeth grinding

Maybe I just should keep a running tally.

Tonight I got a message from a friend at the beginning of her third trimester, who took fertility treatments to get pregnant, after voicing (extremely) mild 'apprehension' about being pregnant: "The first time you hear the heartbeat is the most amazing thing in the world. It's at that point that I knew I would do anything to protect him. Even though I had been trying to get pregnant part of me wasn't one hundred percent sure that this is what I wanted.... You'll be great!"

I'm trying to decide if I want to thank her or punch her in the face. I'll probably just thank her, I was raised to be polite.

Some other fun activities that I've found myself partaking in is obsessively looking at pictures of other people's children and anything to do with said children. I'm not sure what that's all about. All of this is causing me a lot of anxiety. (Not just looking at the pictures, the whole pregnancy thing) I decided to split the difference between my anti-anxiety meds and nothing with the hot bath. This was after reading some further material on the issue of hot baths. I think the horrific anxiety might be worse for the baby than the hot bath. I needed to just calm down, so I took one. Now of course thinking about it I start to feel anxious all over again, maybe a Yoga class would be a good idea.

My body is doing strange things. My weight is staying more or less constant, though my pants suddenly fit... weird. Perhaps my weight is being transferred from my ass to my stomach. My jeans are loose... like falling-down-my-hips loose. I have no idea what that's about, but not surprising, I'm worried about it.

Next Monday I have my first appointment at the Ob/Gyn... with a nurse to take my detailed history. I am anxious to establish a relationship with the doctor so that I can call there ten times a day to confirm that I'm doing everything right. I feel like I've been pregnant forever, when in reality I've only known since 14 February. I feel like this appointment was scheduled at an inappropriately late date, though my mother assures me there's not a whole lot they can do at this point. I keep thinking, 'They could have warned me about the BATHS!'

Symptoms.

The onset of irritating pregnancy symptoms set in sometime last week. Of course there is the expected nausea, though it hasn't been too bad yet. I know that I'm unusually susceptible to the power of suggestion.


I've already decided after reading the classic What to Expect When You're Expecting that I must be having twins because I'm itching more than usual. In the same vein, every day I find new scary things that I have done wrong over the past eight(?) weeks. Today it was taking hot baths. Apparently during the first twelve weeks if you take a bath that is over 102 degrees F, you're putting your child at risk for neural tube defects and also increases the risk of miscarriage. Super.


So let's list the ways this child is currently ruining my life causing me some temporary discomfort.
I can no longer:
Have a glass of wine
Eat carpaccio, sushi, or anything else uncooked.
Eat a medium rare steak
Take my anti-anxiety meds.
Take Advil, Aleve, or Acetaminophen.
Sleep.
TAKE A HOT BATH!!


Really - must you take my last avenue of respite? I suppose that I should be grateful that at least this one internal mechanism of maternal concern, though I have to wonder if even that concern is not self-serving.


Let me be honest.


I don't know if I could handle a handicapped child. I need this baby to be healthy because having this baby is about all I can take. I don't need any other surprises or things to get 'excited' about.


In other news, which I know is not the topic of this blog, but it was so upsetting it will be good to get out, my cousin's husband put this down as his Facebook status:


"The end of time is near. Look at all the worlds events. From war to natural disasters, it is coming and you better be right with the Lord."


God Almighty. Really? It took all of my restraint not to educate the man on history, science, or to just flat out make a sarcastic remark. Maybe something like, 'Amen brother, look at all the divorced, unmarried, pregnant women about! And don't forget the gays on TV!


In other news regarding crazy, churchy relatives. My Grandmother on the same side has not called to congratulate me or my mother. I don't know if she's spoken to my father. I'm sure she's horrified that I'm not married and taking my sweet time at it. True, I was engaged for almost a year and living together almost as long when this child was conceived, but a stable relationship obviously isn't a stable relationship without a MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE! What will Jesus think?!?! Expect more on this later.


I can't figure out what's wrong with this formatting.

'The Mommy Club'

Ugh. Seriously?

Right now I'm having difficulty with the people on Facebook, other than my family and close friends that I've actually spoken with this about, who say anything more than 'Congratulations!' I don't particularly want to hear that 'Kids are the best!' or 'Welcome to the Mommy Club!' I want to tell them that I never wanted to BE a part of the Mommy Club. I wanted to be a lawyer and possibly a judge but now, instead of finishing law school in 2.5 years -- best case I'll be done in four with the part time program -- worst case I won't be able to handle a new baby and pressure from law school and I won't finish at all. Best case I'll get an 'easier' masters degree -- worst case, I'll never complete any more education and will die with only a bachelor's degree. So maybe that's a little over the top. But I had made the conscious decision not to have children -- not for a long time -- until my husband could quit his job to care for them, if ever.

My mother had resigned herself to never have grandchildren, now she's beside herself. She keeps asking me, "Have you thought about..." what kind of bed, bottles, pacifiers, etc that I want the baby to have. No Mom, I have not. I will bow to your wisdom. Would you like to raise the baby for the next 3 years? Naturally, she does not.

With all these people so excited I can't help but pose the question, 'What's WRONG with me?' Everyone else is so 'excited'. Well I'm not.

I suppose that I should give myself time. I've known I was pregnant less than three weeks, I haven't even had my first doctor's appointment yet, other than the confirmation blood test.

About Me

So. I've gotten myself into this situation.

I've never wanted children, for as long as I can remember. I was the girl who when friends have babies I freely told them, "If I WANT to hold your baby then I will ASK. Otherwise, there is no need to ask me." I've been sick of hearing about my cousin's children and births, I'm just not interested.

But here I am. I'm too old, financially stable, educated, and in too stable of a relationship to justify having an abortion or giving the child up for adoption. Maybe this stuff belongs in the 'About Me' because I certainly feel that it's relevant.

The point of this blog is to help me work through these feelings that I'm having about having a child after I've fought against having one for twenty-seven years and maybe, just maybe help to reach other people in this position.

I put it here in a somewhat anonymous forum because most of my friends and family are unlikely to understand some of the 'terrible' things that I am feeling.  Here I will not apologize for them,  nor feel bad about them and perhaps it will serve for me to gain greater understanding about myself.